Saiyan Cops
by akhal-teke
Summary: Goku & friends attempt to make the streets a safer place Reno 911 style. It's intended to be humorous & majorly poke fun at the characters' inept abilities at crimefighting.


Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to Akira Toriyama and Bird Studios.

**Saiyan Cops**

Bad boys, bad boys,

Wacha gonna do?

Wacha gonna do when they come for you?

This story is dedicated to the Saiyans who protect our Earth from the forces of evil.

Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent Saiyans. Any resemblance between the Saiyans in the story and the Saiyans you know is strictly coincidental.

We first see Krillin and teen Goten driving around on patrol duty. Naturally, Goten had been yakking on his cell phone the entire time.

"…Yes, Valese, it's a wonderful day! Sure I'll be over tonight for a little sweet lovin', but until then, this empty tissue box will just have to do. Oh, yeah! Oh, baby!"

"Goten, I hate to interrupt you before you unzip your trousers, but you've been using the police radio frequency to talk to your girlfriend for over three hours." Krillin stated. "Don't you think you should turn it off for a little while? I mean, what if the chief is trying to radio a real emergency to us?"

"Fine." said Goten. "I gotta go now, Valese. Apparently, my partner is being a real selfish jerk!"

As soon as he turned off his phone, Police Chief Goku radioed them a message. "Hello? Krillin, Goten, are you there?"

"Yeah. Whaddaya want?!" Goten rudely replies.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you for three hours! We've got an emergency...A CODE RED!!! There's a young woman with long, green, braided hair that's about to commit suicide by jumping off the Shenron Corporation Building with no attempt to fly. Get over there right away! She could kill herself, or worse; splatter her guts all over our newly-renovated sidewalk."

"Oh my gosh!" Goten exclaimed. "You know I'd do anything to help a pretty, young girl. Krillin, I can't believe you didn't tell me to get off the phone sooner! What a #$#$#-ing jerk!"

Meanwhile, back at the Saiyan Cops headquarters, Goku and Gohan are discussing plans of their own.

"I'm glad I sent Goten and Krillin off to stop that suicide. They'll do a fine job." said Goku.

"Dad, are we gonna still go through with that super, secret assignment tonight?"

"You becha. As you know, lately we've been getting a lot of calls that someone has been picking up lots of prostitutes."

"I bet it's Goten."

"No, not this time. They said it looked like some vicious villain that we've fought before, and in order to find out who, we'll perform a sting tonight to take this low-life down."

"But, Dad, doesn't that mean that someone will have to dress up as a hooker to be used as bait?"

"Yep. And I've got just the man for the job."

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Pan and Uub were on the lookout for their own crimes to solve.

"This is like, sooo cool that Grandpa made us official Saiyan Cops, even though you're not really a Saiyan. But isn't it cool that we get our own badges and guns and nightsticks and a cop car!" Pan said, hardly able to control her enthusiasm.

"Yeah, uhhhh...about that car...Pan, don't you think you should let me drive? I always thought that Goku was the world's worst driver, until I got in a car with you. Your driving is just plain dangerous!"

"WEEEE!!!" Pan happily exclaimed, obviously not watching the road. A few seconds later, a loud "THUMP" could be heard under the car. "Uub, is it against the law to run over a cat?"

"Normally it's not, but if you drive 120 miles an hour through a circus tent and hit the performing lion, like you just did five seconds ago, then yes, it' very illegal!"

"Too bad. I'm a Saiyan Cop and I make the rules."

"Actually, you just enforce them. Hey, look! Bulma and Vegeta are outside arguing. This could be our first case!"

"Oh, come on! They're always arguing, and besides, I don't like solving cases of domestic violence."

"If you stop the car, I'll buy you fried chicken later..."

Pan immediately screeches the cop car to a halt and stops right in front of Bulma and Vegeta.

"Saiyan Cops. What's going on here?" said Uub.

"Uub!" Pan interrupted. "You're not a Saiyan, but I am, so that means that I'm more important than you and I get to ask the questions around here! Saiyan Cops. What's going on here?"

"Someone has stolen my Space Pod!" Vegeta griped.

"I'm not surprised." said Bulma. "I told him at least a thousand times that leaving the keys in the ignition was a bad idea."

"Don't worry, Mr. Vegeta, we'll find out what happened to your space pod." said Uub.

"I already know who did it." said Pan. "Wait here and I'll go capture the little thief."

Meanwhile, back at headquarters...

"NO!" Fat Buu angrily stated. "Buu don't wanna dress up as hooker!"

"Dad, this isn't working." said Gohan. "You told me that Buu would be too stupid to know what a hooker was."

"I guess that he's smarter than he looks. Anyway, Buu, you've just got to do this. It's for the safety of all humanity that we find out who this crook is. And if we succeed in capturing him, you'll be regarded as one of the greatest heroes by millions of fans across the world."

"NOOO!!!"

"You'll also get less jail time for that armed bakery robbing incident..."

"FINE! Buu will do it, but Buu will NOT be happy about it!"

Later that evening, Buu is standing by a street sign, while Goku and Gohan are parked farther down the street, communicating with him by radio. Buu was wearing a really tight-fitting, black leather slutty outfit. He also had black fishnet stockings, tall stiletto high heel shoes, heavy makeup and a wig. He carried a sign that said "lookin' for a good time, big boy? Only 4 bucks an hour!"

"Now Buu knows how Frieza's henchmen feel. (On the radio to Goku) Hey, look, a red car is pulling up!"

"I see it!" Goku's voice replied from the radio. It's the same Mustang convertible that fits the description. Buu, it's really important that you get in that car. Then, as soon as the driver says he wants to make a little sweet lovin' with you, radio us back and we'll arrest him!"

As soon as Buu put the radio down, the red car stopped beside him and rolled down a window. It was too dark inside the car to tell who the driver was, but it's definitely the one who'd been picking up all the hookers.

"Hey, baby." the mysterious driver teased. "You going my way?"

"Oh, yes, darlin'." Fat Buu replied, doing his best to impersonate a girl's voice. He gets into the convertible and they both drive off. Meanwhile, Goten and Krillin finally arrive on the scene.

"This is Officer Goten of the Saiyan Cops. We got here as fast as we could! Please tell me the pretty young lady hasn't jumped yet, I want to at least get her phone number first."

"What do you mean you got here as fast as you could?" said an absolutely livid Frieza. "I called the police 4 HOURS AGO!!!"

"See, I told you we shouldn't have stopped at that tux rental place." said Krillin.

"You can't rush looking your best for a pretty girl." Goten explained. "By the way, where is the pretty little suicide victim?"

"Up on the 100th story of the building." said Frieza. "By the way, that's no girl, it's my boyfriend, Zarbon. He hasn't jumped yet, but he had been threatening to do this for weeks and I can't imagine why!"

"You mean that girl up there is really a guy?" said Goten. "EEEWWWW!!! Well I'm certainly not going to rescue it!"

"Well, I guess this is all up to me." stated Krillin as he ran inside the Shenron Corp building and bounded up the 100 flights of stairs. Nova Shenron, one of the Shenron Corp employees was inside the building, noticing Krillin go up the stairs. "Doesn't that idiot realize that we've got an elevator."

"Uhhh...yeah," said Goten, "Krillin, you go on and do that, while I stay here and comfort Frieza, in the back of the cop car, with no clothes on."

"Oh, my!" Frieza exclaimed, "You're such a naughty boy, but I'm game!"

Meanwhile, back at the Vegeta residence...

"Pan?"

"Yeah, Uub."

"Do you remember a while ago when you said you'd go find the thief?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you've just been standing there in the same spot this whole time not doing anything."

"Hey, everybody. What's going on?" asked Trunks, who had just arrived on the scene.

"There's the thief!" shrieked Pan as she jumped on Trunks and beat him with her nightstick.

"I knew it!" exclaimed Vegeta.

"Now, tell me, thief, where you hid Mr. Vegeta's space pod." Pan interrogated.

"Pan, wait, STOP!" shouted Uub. "You can't go blaming random innocent people. At least question him first before you beat the crud out of him."

"Uub, I believe that I'm the only one here who's a real Saiyan cop, so don't tell me how to do my job!"

Bulla had heard all the commotion and immediately came running outside. "Pan, what the heck are you doing to my brother?"

"There's the REAL thief!" she said, pointing her nightstick at Bulla.

"Hey, you leave my precious daughter out of this!" yelled Vegeta.

"Or maybe, the real thieves are Bulma and Vegeta and they've been arguing about it to make it seem like they are innocent." Pan said as picked up her nightstick and began chasing the whole family around the yard.

"Pan, STOP!" yelled Uub once again. "This is getting ridiculous."

"You're right!" Pan said. "None of them could possibly be the thief. It was really this lawn flamingo! So where have you hidden the space pod? Not talkin' eh...maybe some cruel and unusual punishment will refresh your memory, Pinky!" She starts beating it with her nightstick. Meanwhile, in a red mustang convertible on the bad side of town...

"Come in, Goku." Fat Buu said into his radio.

"What is it?" replied Goku's voice. "What have you found out?"

"Well, that bad guy picked up Buu in his car, and right now he left to get a burrito at the 7/11. He definitely said he wants to...uhhhh...pay Buu for his "services".

"That's great, we can arrest him! By the way, who is it?"

"Buu not know! Buu not get a real good look at...HOLY MAMACITA, IT'S..."

Skinny, grey, Evil Buu had finally returned to his car. "Hey, sweetheart. Guess who's back! I bought you some snacks, too. Is that a radio you're talking into? You had better not be talkin' to the Saiyan Cops, because if you are..."

"Oh, goodness no! This is just Buu's special talking makeup bag."

"It better be! You're to beautiful to betray me, and if you did, or if you happened to be someone I hate wearing a disguise, I would have to gut you alive and strangle you with your own intestines, but seriously, out of all the girls I've picked up, you are by far the nicest and prettiest."

"Hee Hee Hee. Why, thank you kind sir." stuttered poor Buu, wondering when Goku would finally arrive. Meanwhile, at the top of the Shenron Corporation building...

"...gasp...pant...WHEW!" sighed Krillin. "I finally made it to the top! I thought those stairs would go on forever. It sure would have been easier if there was an elevator... ZARBON, NO! DON'T JUMP!!! There's no good reason to go and kill yourself like this!"

"Let me tell you about my life." said Zarbon, "Every morning, Frieza forces me wear these hideously girly outfits, and then ridicules me about how stupid I look. Every afternoon, it's a full day of genocides, blowing up planets or worse, having to go shopping with him at that new Namekian strip mall. And every night, we get together with the Ginyu Force for group orgies, then, when we finally go home, he rapes me 'till I fall asleep. And if I don't do what Frieza says, he threatens me with torture, rape, or death."

"I take that back...you really DO have a good reason for commiting suicide!"

"What do you mean? I was just explaining my favorite parts of the day. The real reason why I'm gonna kill myself has to do with the prom dress incident. It was the last straw!"

"Zarbon, the only reason you want to kill yourself is because you want to keep that old prom dress of mine, you know, the black strapless Saks Fifth Avenue dress that you said you really liked alot, isn't it?" Frieza shouted through a megaphone on the street below. Goten followed close behind pulling up his pants.

"...yes."

"Well, you can't have it."

"JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP!"

"Goten, don't encourage him!" said Krillin. "Think of the newly renovated sidewalk we have to save!"

Zarbon climbs up on the railing hundreds of feet in the air, ready to jump.

"NOOO!!! DON'T JUMP!" hollers Frieza. "Just think of all the hate mail I'll get from the Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Henchmen if you do! Come down now and I might be willing to negotiate."

"Really?! Does it mean I can have the dress?"

Meanwhile, back at Vegeta's...

"Pan, I don't think your plan is working." said Uub. "You've beaten up all the lawn flamingos and are running out of suspects."

"But what about this blade of grass? It looks pretty suspicious to me."

"Let's stop and think about this. Who do we know that would commit such a horrible crime? Who hates Vegeta more then anyone else? Who would be angry about oh, let's say, Vegeta's family destroying his entire race? Pan, I think our first suspect is Baby."

"Uub, you can't just falsely acuse innocent people like that!"

"Pan, all I want to do is question him."

"Then let me go and get him. I'll be back!"

"On second thought, I'd better go get him. You're probably going to stand there stupidly in the same spot like you did last time."

Meanwhile, back at Shenron Corp...

"Wow, you got some sweet negotiating skills, Frieza." said Goten. "I think you could very well have saved Zarbon's life."

"But you didn't, did you. He jumped." said Krillin. "Just look at all the blood and gore all over our new sidewalk! Why did you tell him "NO" when he asked you for that dress?"

"Because I'm, like, totally selfish, girlfriend." Frieza said. "By the way, I don't need Zarbon anymore. I have a new, better boyfriend. Goten! Ain't that right, sweetie-pie?"

"Oh, yeah! I know Valese will be upset when I dump her, but Frieza and I have more in common. She'll make a much better girlfriend."

"Actually, I'm a guy."

"WHAT!!! YOU, TOO?! Oh, what the heck! Come here and give daddy another kiss."

"Well, I guess this case is officially closed." stated Krillin, but had another case been closed as well?

"Guess what I found lurking around your bushes, Mr. Vegeta!" said Uub.

"Fried chicken?" Pan stupidly wondered.

"No! Baby!"

"Howdy, Vegeta." said the parasitic, blue Tuffle. "Fancy a good possessing?"

"Stay Away!" Vegeta hollered. "Uub, why the #& did you bring that horrid little creature into my yard?!"

"Because we have to interrogate him. Pan, you know what to do." Pan lifted her nightstick in the air ready to strike Baby.

"STOP!!! Stop everything!" exclaimed Bulma. "I know where the space pod is!"

"Ah, HA!!! I'll take that as a confession!" said Pan

"No, I didn't take it! In fact, no one did. Vegeta, you parked it over on the other side of the street and must have forgot about it. See...there it is."

"So it was really never missing at all?" Vegeta said.

"I guess not." said Uub.

"Awww man. I really wanted to see Pan beat the crap out of Baby." Vegeta griped. "Say, where the heck is he?"

"He's right here. I brought him in handcuffs, see..." said Uub, holding up a pair of empty handcuffs. "...oops. I guess I forgot that Baby can turn into liquid metal."

"AAHH!!!" Vegeta screeched. "Where did he go?"

"Over there!" said Bulma, pointing to Baby seated in the driver's seat of the space pod.

"So long, suckers!" he exclaimed as the space pod shot up into the air, never to be seen again.

"Oh, great! Now our space pod really has been stolen by a criminal maniac!" growled Vegeta. "UUB, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

"YEAH!" Bulma retorted. "Why on Earth did you bring Baby here, and how stupid could you be to forget that he turns into liquid?"

"Uub, if you just let me do my job in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. I told you the real thief was the third yard flamingo from the left." said Pan

"So now how are you planning on getting my space pod back?" asked Vegeta.

"He can't." said Pan. "He promised me fried chicken."

"She's right. I did promise to get her fried chicken. bye." He grabbed Pan's hand and ran to the car, then floored the gas pedal and sped off. Another case has been closed, but what about the third and final case?

"You're really gonna love my apartment!" said Evil Buu. "I've got so much anti-Fat Buu stuff, it's not even funny, but right now, I've got to stop at this gas station and throw up, I mean work off the burrito I just ate."

As soon as Evil Buu got out of the car, Fat Buu immediately picked up his radio. "Goku! Goku, are you there? Buu is in great danger and needs you to hurry up with the arrest! Hello? Is this thing on? Goku!! GOKU!!!"

"I'm back, honey!" said Evil Buu. "By the way, you dropped your wig. Let me pick it up for you...HOLY #$#$$, IT'S YOU!!! **YOU'RE DEAD!!!"**

Fat Buu was now screaming desperately into the radio. "GOKU HELP!!! BUU IS IN BIG TROUBLE... AAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"Wow, Dad, these donuts sure are delicious." said Gohan. He was with his father on the opposite side of town in a donut shop.

"They sure are." Goku replied. "The most important part of being a Saiyan Cop is being able to go to Krispie Kreme to enjoy donuts."

"Dad, wasn't there something else we had to do that was more important?"

"I can't think of anything, can you?"

"Nope, I guess not. That explains why the radio hasn't been going off much."

"Oh, I turned that annoying thing off so we could enjoy dounut time more"

"Dad, being a Saiyan cop is the best! Just think of all the horrible stuff that could have happened to people if we weren't out there on the street fighting crime, and making the world a better place for everyone."

THE END


End file.
